We went to Greece, to Crete and I went with no expectations. Well other than knowing it would be very warm and I wanted to feel relaxed and watch my kids absorb a new culture. And we did just that, had a relaxed, fun time.  We went to the beach everyday and when we weren't applying sun lotion we were eating things with olive oil.  It was all very Greece-y. I have a new appreciation for Greece added to my previous appreciations from The Durrells of Corfu (Masterpiece Theater and that is a two thumbs up recommendation to watch) and the Mama Mia movie.

I ended up getting too much sun but to swim in the sea with the clear water and pretty little fish darting around felt unreal in a good way. We walked a lot and had a messy
gyro sandwich that was so sinfully delicious no other will ever compare. Sometimes I don't realize that we all keep so busy and when we can press pause and escape the routine it always does wonders. Opa Opa!

 Spring comes early here for my snowy muscle memory of springs.  I like this A LOT. I don't have to wait for it, there is no series of days or weeks of my mind going to that place it tries not to, the place of flower buds and robins nests and bumble bees buzzing around on the coldest most frozen of winter days.  I just go out to get in my car on any usual morning and blippity boop I see spring bulb flowers poking up. Without any whining at all! It really is a very nice thing.  I tell everyone I do miss the real winter of snow and stillness, I do, right? I know I miss the process before winter, the harvest, the putting up of food and cord wood.  It is such a nice feeling to feel prepared for winter. I miss those first few snow storms when we all agree "yes, gee whiz that is so much snow" and we feel satisfied knowing we did the hard work and we are warm and comfortable. That doesn't happen here but instead we have months of dark gray and rain rain rain and more rain. So much rain you don't even notice if its a light rain anymore and just do your stuff with hopefully cute raingear (that is the best part of rain, galoshes and cute hooded coats with a plaid or polka dot umbrella, no maybe a deep clear umbrella with black bias trim.  See what I mean? It's a fun part of rain.) It's also an excuse to own more than one cute umbrella, because you can match your outfit and not look silly with a faded, wonky, huge golfing umbrella (been that person a few times sadly.)

So today, when Sawyer is done doing his project we are going for a bike ride to find sheep because this year we are going to try and see as many lambs as we can. In any direction there are sheep and we will ride our bikes to find the most we can. It wooly is nice to see lambs in spring when you're used to seeing snow and ice during this part of the year. I think our neighbors would laugh and tell me it isn't even spring really but they don't have any idea what it's like to live burrowed in a house with many feet of snow outside for months at a time. But it's a hard thing to translate appropriately without elevating my voice in hysteria. I mean they still wear wooden clogs in the garden! But that's a whole other post and Sawyer is just about done. Ewe are the best and don't let anyone tell ewe otherwise.

 A Weird True Story:

We flew to Seville, Spain for just a few days. We rented a car from a place that looked professional online but then when we got there we had to wait on a gritty street corner.  A girl picked us up and drove us to the middle of nowhere. She entered a small hut walked behind a desk and became an office person. She asked a few questions (I had already paid online) and then walked around the cluttered desk again and handed us keys to a black car that was parked right outside the hut. We drove out of the middle of nowhere by ourselves and headed a couple hours to the east. When we arrived at the hotel Sawyer said "this place smells just like Aunt Mary's house". He didn't realize we were at the ocean because it was so dark out and it was the sea air he was smelling. This made me happy for some reason. Anyhow we had some scheduled things to do and soon enough we repeated the process to return the car only backwards version with the same girl. That's not the weird part of this trip, keep reading if you can. When we got home someone I speak to only occasionally said she received a box of Seville oranges. And I literally just walked in the door from there and saw a hundred orange trees.  But when I said that it felt like not the truth because being back at home so fast it felt like a dream like I didn't really feel the warm sun on my face and see orange trees. Luckily I did buy a tiny little corked crock of Ibiza salt because we only had tiny baggage to fly with, so I had proof in my hand. And that's my story, I saw Seville oranges on the trees and then within two hours of being home someone that had no idea I was there randomly said how excited she was with her Seville oranges. That's the weird part, but weird in a good way I think.

all the thinks to think

When my son was young he said taste buds change every seven years. I think he was right, but I also think this can be applied to your life in many other ways. There are things in my middle aged life I like very much that I would have never chosen in my young adult life. The older I get the more fascinating I find things. People, places, things...all of it. I wish my mind was as open to new things when I was my younger self.  The world was so big to me then, a little scary I think. I wanted steadfastness where I could find it.  Childhood was chaotic and free falling. The way this affected me was to grow up very fast, creating routines that most people don't find themselves doing until they are old.  I liked what I liked and didn't like what I didn't like, There was no room to consider otherwise.  I wanted peace of mind, and still do. We all do, don't we?

Living in Europe gives me different feelings than living in the US. My vulnerabilities are different. I feel less judged here as a human. It's a given that people are people, that we don't have to think alike, look alike, that individually we are okay until proven differently. We matter no matter. It's a nice thing to live this way when you are a human. At the same time it can be hard as you have to speak up and make inquiries.  I have heard a few times when I've said "I have no idea" about something it's because I didn't ask. They smile and say, "Oh, that's because you didn't ask." Asking the right questions to the right people is an art, and we all know Europeans are so talented when it comes to art. My brain is gaining new pathways to navigate life.

Spending many years in the depths of motherhood raising six kids, I am learning about the growth of a person from the stage of an inquisitive baby to an existential teen so close to the cusp of adulthood it is almost painful to watch. Then a beautiful thing, seeing your adult child and the floodgates of love and appreciation run so deep it's immeasurable.  For so many years I've watched kids at all the various stages of their lives learning how to be independent.  I even watched taste buds change. During all this I couldn't see myself, even in the mirror. I don't think this is true for most people and truthfully it's only been recently that I've realized this is unique. The last few years I've actually seen myself in the mirror.  All of me, the rather large nose, the uneven freckles, the profile of a woman with slightly hunched shoulders and if I dare be proud: skinny legs.  And even more than that I no longer ignore those eyes that stare back at me knowing all my details, so plain and unobstructed.  Some really painful stuff from the past that was never buried but also never spoken about.  Those eyes always knew that there would be a time and a place to find that peace, they didn't need to carry the heaviness. And here I am.  

I don't think it's a midlife crisis or menopause, nor an awakening like books describe. I think simply, I looked up. The emotions I was carrying around in such heavy bags were physically making me ill. I couldn't smile and offer to make another cake, or do another favor, or gloss over so many life details. I looked up and recognized a person that wanted to belong, to feel safe, to feel wanted.  That wanted to wake and go to sleep without feeling at fault for something. I can vouch each child is born with different traits. It's up to the parents to admire those and teach around them, through them, in the most lovingly way. It has been my favorite part of life to do this as a mother. Maybe not always in the right ways, but even trying was fun. Loving is my favorite. 

I don't have anger that my traits were out there blowing in the most vulnerable winds. It would hit as a raw emotion when I'd see my child do something so precious and beautiful and realize no one noted those things in my life. It became a sadness I wanted no part of recognizing, so I'd put it in a box alongside all the other boxes.  I'm really organized with storing things!  Then officially I paid people to help me learn about myself. My intuitions were right: I am unique.  But guess what, so are you.  I am a person wandering around life just like all the other people. 

It's the New Year and I do enjoy seeing and reading the renewal people are holding themselves to.  A healthy outlook is a positive. My own healthy outlook isn't the old days of exercising more.  It's being more natural with who I am. Finding love, forgiveness and gratitude in my life each day.  This reminds me to say thank you for reading this rambling of words.  All my best to you and yours.