When my son was young he said taste buds change every seven years. I think he was right, but I also think this can be applied to your life in many other ways. There are things in my middle aged life I like very much that I would have never chosen in my young adult life. The older I get the more fascinating I find things. People, places, things...all of it. I wish my mind was as open to new things when I was my younger self. The world was so big to me then, a little scary I think. I wanted steadfastness where I could find it. Childhood was chaotic and free falling. The way this affected me was to grow up very fast, creating routines that most people don't find themselves doing until they are old. I liked what I liked and didn't like what I didn't like, There was no room to consider otherwise. I wanted peace of mind, and still do. We all do, don't we?
Living in Europe gives me different feelings than living in the US. My vulnerabilities are different. I feel less judged here as a human. It's a given that people are people, that we don't have to think alike, look alike, that individually we are okay until proven differently. We matter no matter. It's a nice thing to live this way when you are a human. At the same time it can be hard as you have to speak up and make inquiries. I have heard a few times when I've said "I have no idea" about something it's because I didn't ask. They smile and say, "Oh, that's because you didn't ask." Asking the right questions to the right people is an art, and we all know Europeans are so talented when it comes to art. My brain is gaining new pathways to navigate life.
Spending many years in the depths of motherhood raising six kids, I am learning about the growth of a person from the stage of an inquisitive baby to an existential teen so close to the cusp of adulthood it is almost painful to watch. Then a beautiful thing, seeing your adult child and the floodgates of love and appreciation run so deep it's immeasurable. For so many years I've watched kids at all the various stages of their lives learning how to be independent. I even watched taste buds change. During all this I couldn't see myself, even in the mirror. I don't think this is true for most people and truthfully it's only been recently that I've realized this is unique. The last few years I've actually seen myself in the mirror. All of me, the rather large nose, the uneven freckles, the profile of a woman with slightly hunched shoulders and if I dare be proud: skinny legs. And even more than that I no longer ignore those eyes that stare back at me knowing all my details, so plain and unobstructed. Some really painful stuff from the past that was never buried but also never spoken about. Those eyes always knew that there would be a time and a place to find that peace, they didn't need to carry the heaviness. And here I am.
I don't think it's a midlife crisis or menopause, nor an awakening like books describe. I think simply, I looked up. The emotions I was carrying around in such heavy bags were physically making me ill. I couldn't smile and offer to make another cake, or do another favor, or gloss over so many life details. I looked up and recognized a person that wanted to belong, to feel safe, to feel wanted. That wanted to wake and go to sleep without feeling at fault for something. I can vouch each child is born with different traits. It's up to the parents to admire those and teach around them, through them, in the most lovingly way. It has been my favorite part of life to do this as a mother. Maybe not always in the right ways, but even trying was fun. Loving is my favorite.
I don't have anger that my traits were out there blowing in the most vulnerable winds. It would hit as a raw emotion when I'd see my child do something so precious and beautiful and realize no one noted those things in my life. It became a sadness I wanted no part of recognizing, so I'd put it in a box alongside all the other boxes. I'm really organized with storing things! Then officially I paid people to help me learn about myself. My intuitions were right: I am unique. But guess what, so are you. I am a person wandering around life just like all the other people.
It's the New Year and I do enjoy seeing and reading the renewal people are holding themselves to. A healthy outlook is a positive. My own healthy outlook isn't the old days of exercising more. It's being more natural with who I am. Finding love, forgiveness and gratitude in my life each day. This reminds me to say thank you for reading this rambling of words. All my best to you and yours.
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