an education

While my children completed yet another year of their schooling and are absorbing the early days of their summer break, I have set out on some learning of my own.

I fell apart for a bit.  Like in a bad way.

One sunny spring day I sat trembling in a doctors office as she tried her best way to tell me I have multiple sclerosis. 

A disease I knew nothing about.

But I’m learning.

It affects everyone differently.  For me it started with my vision and some hand arm coordination issues.

It brought me way down.

But here I am. Now. Today.

I am happy.  I am grateful.

I have faith. And hope.

I have so many people to love.

Things are getting better every day. 

I’m not afraid anymore.

I hesitated to blog about this.  But it is me, a big part of me.  The hardest thing I have been through ever.

People go through stuff, and I am going through this.

I can still take care of my family, I can dance and eat lobster.

I can sew and laugh and swing at the park.

It took a while for me to realize all this.

I am so grateful.

For God.

For Life.

For Love.

For You!

 

optimism and the old irish guy

It is a strange thing to think how a year’s time can pass slowly and quickly.

It has been a mighty 12 months.  In many years I am certain I will look back on this year and think head shaking thoughts.  My life as an adult has always been a little hectic—think move, pregnancy, birth, deploy and repeat about six times.  That brings us to now.  And magically the word move is slowly creeping its way into our conversations.  Part of me is very ready for my husband to retire from his military service.  That is the part of me that craves stability.  I want my kids to know this land we live on, to make their marks on the walls of our home to see how much they’ve grown.  To watch them grow up along side of the same bunch of goofy friends.  To plant perennials and see them come up year after year.

Then there is another part of me that craves the adventure.  It would be hard for me to watch him hang up his hat.  He wears his uniform with pride and truly I believe his service has made and continues to make the world a better place.  Do I want him to give that up just so I can grow peonies?

Sigh.

We won’t move now, or even this summer.  It is the decisions that have to be made now that will affect our family later.  I know that whatever happens will happen,  God has always taken care of us even when I had trouble understanding the how and why.

I kind of feel like I need to let some of this emotion go so I can be a little more carefree.  I wanted to get back to New England so bad for so many years and now here we are and it is wonderful.  It is like I can’t get on with anything because of the what-ifs.  Almost a desperation but not quite. 

So here and now I will look ahead with optimism.

I will be less focused on what I have little control over.

We will plant a garden.

I will play with my children.

We will raise a pig. (Really we will, it arrives soon.)

I will sew shortalls for Sawyer that really emphasize his pudgy thighs.

Sawyer turned one yesterday.  He didn’t know it but loved the excitement—screeching whenever anybody got in his face and said “Happy Birthday”.  There is a huge difference from your oldest child turning one to your sixth child turning one.  Less emphasis on presents and more emphasis on how grateful I am to get to love this child.  He has taught me so much!

He has my husband’s red cheeks and reminds me of a little old Irish man.

There is an Irish saying that says something like…

“You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.”

That has more meaning for me than you will ever realize, and for my little Sawyer boy who is growing before my eyes.

PS If you are southern when you say peonies it sounds like you are saying panties.  Just an fyi from me who lives in the north.

 

walking on by

I can’t say that my youngest and I enjoy our walks as there is still so much snow on the ground here.  It is getting better though.  We have had a couple mild days and the slow is shrinking in a baby step kind of way.

The birds have arrived and have added a much loved symphony to the still air.  If I close my eyes and let the sun warm my face I can almost pretend it is summer… just because of those beautiful chirping birds.

Sometimes we stop in the drive of the old house next door, we look at the sledding tracks and the animal tracks, there is a horse named Sadie who always watches us approach and retreat. We can’t tell if she likes us or not.

When we walk I think about everything going on, usually about my children and my husband.  They are busy people.  Everyone is always coming and going, doing exciting things in the world.

But always Sawyer and I are side by side.  I look at him and he looks at me.  I think we know what the other is thinking without words. 

A constant with each step. 

 

the post where I free myself from tuna casserole

 

Yesterday I made the comment of watching too many Mad Men episodes and setting the table with vintage Pyrex.

 

After reading Jemm’s comment about Butterprint dishes I thought I’d share some Pyrex.

Well the plates aren’t Pyrex in real life but I suppose in my brain they are as I use them with it.

I used to be so guarded about using vintage things with so many kids in the house. 

Something in me changed about ten years ago and we use it often now.  It’s okay if it breaks.  Kind of.

 

I had to control myself with collecting Pyrex, there are so many great patterns.  We move too often, so I settled on two patterns.  Butterprint is my favorite and the brown stuff reminds me of my mother.  I think I ate 1000 tuna noodle casseroles in that brown dish.

FYI I don’t really like tuna casserole.  Sorry, mother but I feel so free for admitting that.

 

little crochet dresses

My mother has always been gracious in passing on to me her childhood dolls.  Little teeny dolls with even teenier dresses crocheted by her grandmother.  Her grandmother would sew, knit, crochet whole wardrobes for her dolls.  Elaborate little wool pantsuits complete with beret and little socks.

Dresses, with bonnets and ribbon adornment.

 

I think of all the thoughtfulness and how she lovingly sat and made each piece.  I display them on little shelves here and there, when I think of it I walk by and blow the dust off. Although as you can see in the above picture that system isn’t very efficient.

I went to an auction recently where no one was buying any of the handiwork items.

Little dresses, doilies, edged hankies.  Of course I had no trouble buying it except from the person who is playing the part of my husband (we have a legal contract).  And truthfully he is always generous in his emotions when dealing with my love-of-old-stuff gene.  He has his own old stuff gene that has less to do with handiwork and more to do with old signs and clocks.

It’s just all that love and sentiment in each item.  It is kind of heartbreaking!

These things are from that sale:

It’s been quiet around here lately.  I’ve been restless, the kind that you are too fidgety to read a book so you rewatch Mad Men in time for the new season next month. 

It must be affecting me because I set the table last night with only vintage Butterprint Pyrex and I put my hair up in a twist.  Geek alert?

 

a little color

The washed out colors of winter have worn out their welcome.

It is good to have some color in the house.  The daffodils make me happy.

Sawyer’s pink cheeks. I seriously can’t kiss them enough.

Speaking of baby cheeks. 

And babies in general.  I bought a small box of these little guys, you can see by his face he’s happy to be in his new home.

These big clothespins were on clearance at Michael’s.  That is why I bought a whole bunch.  Because you can’t have too many big clothespins…especially when you need them to hang your big underwear on the line haha.

Remember my last post and the snow covered lawn table?

This is from this morning, and the snow is still coming down.

March 8, 2013:

Spring, come soon!

seeds of growth

Things outside haven’t changed much in the last couple months. 

Cold. Snow.

Shoveling.

Talk of more snow.

February 9, 2013:

March 4, 2013:

It doesn’t upset me exactly but I think my innards are starting to realize it’s March and I miss the sun and being frolicky outside. The snow is too high for the younger kids to walk in, they have a little cabin fever.

We bought a large lot of  old outdoor stuff at the auction last Friday.  But I am thinking of hanging these on the barn wall instead of trying to use them and eventually harpoon my feet upright in the snow.

My brain has been full of thoughts of spring and the garden.  I want it to be magnificent this year but don’t I say that every year?  I like this stage of dreaming about it so just go with me on this. It will be great, right?  I ordered starter potatoes and planted everything that can be started indoors.

If the snow ever melts (it will, right?) I will plant my favorite cool weather crops and before I know it things will be growing out there in that artic land.

It just seems too good to be true!